Awesome or Off-Puttingis a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.
UFOs have been caught on tape an awful lot. A recent survey show’s them to be the third most common thing home-recorded – finishing behind home-videos of John Edwards boinking various non-wives, and home-videos of John Edwards smiling behind a basement-desk calling himself ‘Mr. President’ and signing a whole stack of important looking blank printer paper.
Well UFOs have been filmed again – this time swarming all over Acapulco.
Like we said before – UFOs caught on tape are becoming a fairly regular occurrence. For instance, there was this one where a black triangle was filmed for a grand total of 16 minutes. Also there’s the one where the unidentified objects are soaring over Washington DC, and this one where approximately 100 pub-goers saw (and several filmed) strange lights cruising above Shakespeare’s home town.
And it’s not just drunken civilians catching this stuff on tape either – no it’s not! This one here was recorded by the Mexican air force – a military arm we’re told is quite powerful and definitely exists.
Today’s topic was also filmed in Mexico. The objects involved are flying incredibly high up in the sky, and although they appear only as white dots – there sure are a lot of them. They also appear to be giving off light. There seems to be a faint luminescent aura around them. Really, they don’t look that different from the DC UFOs or the previous Mexican flying objects for that matter. Does that lend them credibility?
Keep in mind ‘UFO’ doesn’t necessarily mean spaceship – but what are they? If they are craft from space – perhaps one will have to crash for us all to know for sure. Oh wait a second – that’s already allegedly happened- and that was in Mexico too! We’re starting to suspect they’ve been hiding all this ‘alien activity’ underneath their sombreros.
But if memory serves correctly - that instance really didn’t turn out so well, did it?
Anyhow – here’s the most recent video, filmed on January 31, 2010:
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First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.
He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.
But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…
10 – Naomi Campbell
There are places where you’re allowed to be a bit angry. Boxing rings, for instance. Or pub car parks. But planes? No. Act out of line on a plane and you could end up being attacked by dogs. Or getting shot at. Or someone might stick their fingers up your bum. Not that Naomi Campbell cared about any of that in 2008, when she went berserk over some lost luggage and ended up lashing out at a policeman. She’s a lovely girl really.
9 – The Game
You don’t hear much from The Game these days, do you? That’s either because a) the only way he could have picked a less Google-friendly nameis if he called himself The, or b) because he’s not very good. Still, at least he’ll always go down in history as being the rapper with the stupidest arrest story of all. Drugs? No. Guns? No. Putting on a Halloween mask in a shopping centre and swearing so loudly that he ended up getting pepper-sprayed? Um, yes. The Game, you are a genius.
8 – Hugh Grant
Getting a blowjob from a prostitute? Forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Less forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman? Stupid. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman when your girlfriend is Liz Hurley? Hugh Grant, you really can be an awful wazzock.
7 – Lindsay Lohan
Anyone can get arrested. Some people can even get arrested for getting drunk and driving a car full of terrified passengers around. A choice handful might even have cocaine in their pockets as they do it. But only Lindsay Lohan, only dear sweet Lindsay Lohan, would preface all of this by screaming “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want” just to make it perfectly clear that she isn’t very likeable, as she did in 2007. For that, Lindsay, we thank you. Sort of.
6 – Paul Reubens
When you watch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, you don’t ever get the impression that Pee-Wee is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a cinema, do you? Well apparently he is. Ick.
5 – George Michael
When you watch a George Michael video, you don’t ever get the impression that George is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a public toilet, would… oh, yes. Yes you would. Sorry.
4 – Foxy Brown
It takes a very special woman to make Naomi Campbell look approachable and meek, but then again Foxy Brown is a very special woman. Arrested once for fighting the staff of a nail salon over some change, arrested again for trashing a shop because she was trying to fix her hair while it was closing, and arrested yet again for smashing her neighbour’s face in with a BlackBerry, Foxy Brown doesn’t do anything by halves. Apart from rapping, obviously. She isn’t particularly good at that if we remember correctly.
3 – Gary Coleman
As with Foxy Brown, Gary Coleman is a tiny, past-his-prime human with a penchant for ridiculous arrests. But the most ridiculous, even more ridiculous than the time he was arrested for punching the inside of his own car, came during an evening out at a bowling alley. A man asked to take a picture of Gary Coleman, and Coleman refused on the basis that photos of him cost $20. The man tried to take one anyway and, in the ensuing scuffle, Gary Coleman knocked him over with a truck. Not a toy truck, either – a real, full-sized truck. And that’s how we fell in love with Gary Coleman again.
2 – Mel Gibson
You all know the story, so we’ll just cut to the chase and give you the wonderful quote instead: ?My life is fucked. I?m not going to get in your car? You motherfucker. I?m going to fuck you? Fucking Jews? The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?… What do you think you?re looking at, Sugartits?? Perfection.
1 – James Brown
September 1988. We’ll quote this one from The Guardian:
James Brown, toting pistol and shotgun, marched into an insurance seminar next door to his offices in Augusta, pissed off that someone had used his toilet without permission. Cops were called and a chase ensued over the state line into South Carolina. After 23 bullets were emptied into his tyres, Brown finally emerged from his vehicle – allegedly singing ‘Georgia on My Mind’.
Oh James Brown, why can’t your ghost come and haunt us, you mental old sod.
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You know, many people were expecting Avatar to be top of the weekend box office until the end of time.
After all, it had everything. Guns, explosions, robots, sexy lady aliens with boobs, you name it. However, here’s where the people got it wrong – it’s only boys who like that stuff. Girls like different things. Girls like sensitive boys and crying and scenes of sensitive boys kissing crying girls on construction sites in rainstorms. And where was all that in Avatar? Nowhere, that’s where.
And that’s why the new weekend box office number one is Dear John, which is either the greatest movie ever made or an awful piece of crap, depending on how many fallopian tubes you own.
Gentleman, consider this advance warning. Remember The Notebook? Remember how you were forced to watch The Notebook once, and your girlfriend wouldn’t stop crying all the way through it and it was basically so insufferable that you felt like crawling through the screen and trying to drown Ryan Gosling? Remember how you made a mental promise to yourself never to watch another film like The Notebook again? Well Dear John is almost identical to The Notebook, so make yourself busy until it’s not on in cinemas any more. And then destroy your DVD player.
Unless we’ve told you too late. Dear John has become the first movie for months to take more money than Avatar at the weekend box office, so it’s fairly likely that a number of boys have already been tricked into watching it. We give these men out sympathies. Everyone else, consider this weekend box office top five advance warning…
1 - Dear John (Now we’re not saying that Dear John is the worst kind of painfully emotional female film, or that any man who was involved in its production should be ashamed, but Channing Tatum did try to burn his cock off immediately after making it. Just saying) $32, 400, 000
2 - Avatar (James Cameron shouldn’t be sad that Avatar is no longer the weekend box office number one. At least it’s made so much money that he can afford a haircut now. Seriously James Cameron, cut your hair. You’re starting to look like Helen Mirren) $23, 600, 000
3 - From Paris With Love (John Travolta shaves his head and fires a bazooka. Judging by the past, this means that at some point over the next couple of years, The Rock will make a film where he shaves his head and fires a bazooka) $8, 120, 000
4 - Edge of Darkness (Interesting. Mel Gibson calling someone an asshole on live TV didn’t make anyone flock to see Edge Of Darkness. This doesn’t bode well for the ‘Shitmuncher’ press tour that he’s planning for his next film, does it?) $7, 005, 000
5 - The Tooth Fairy (Seriously The Rock, that bald-headed bazooka movie can’t come quickly enough) $6, 500, 000
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If anyone is still playing the ‘which member of the Spears family is most troubled’ game, we have news.
No, it’s not about Britney. She hasn’t gone bald again or lost all of her knickers. She hasn’t got married to a fat dancer or got into a screaming match with a hatstand. She hasn’t started dating a paparazzo or written a blog in Esperanto about how she’s made of moonbeams and unicorn tears. It’s about Jamie Lynn Spears.
Apparently Jamie Lynn Spears has split up with the father of her baby and moved onto a new man who’s ten years older than her. Which, by our calculations, makes him about 13. Because Jamie Lynn Spears is very young, you see. Get it? Anyone? No?
Remember when celebrity news wasn’t relentlessly dull? Remember when it was full of cocky young twits driving around drunk and making sex tapes and generally making arses of themselves? Now what have got? The biggest celebrity story of the last few month was about a slightly horny golfer, for crying out loud. Sure, Rip Torn has done his best to turn it around by staging a drunken armed break-in of a bank that he thought was his house, but he’s farting into a hurricane. Celebrity news has got dreary.
If only Jamie Lynne Spears was still famous. She knew how to do it right – getting pregnant at the age of 16 to a church-buddy is exactly the way that celebrities should behave. Similarly, informing your mother of said pregnancy by letter at the exact moment that she’s about to publish a book about what a brilliant parent she is also deserves praise. Oh, if only Jamie Lynn Spears would come back and do something else moderately dimwitted.
What’s that? Jamie Lynn Spears has left the father of her baby Casey Aldridge and immediately got involved with a man who’s almost 30? Yeah, that’ll do. People reports:
Spears moved out of the Liberty, Miss., house she shared Aldridge and their 19-month-old daughter, Maddie, about six weeks ago and is now living with her mother, Lynne, according to sources. Spears, 18, has recently begun dating James Watson, 28, who owns a multimedia company close to Kentwood, La., according to a Spears family friend, who says, “he seems to be a nice guy.”
What? No, this is all wrong. Jamie Lynn Spears finding love with a successful man who ’seems to be a nice guy’? This isn’t right at all! What happened to the Spears DNA? Shouldn’t Jamie Lynn be moving in with a paunchy backing dancer who’s got one eye on her Zoey 101 residuals? Shouldn’t she be trying to get pregnant by waving her bare vagina around in the air and hoping that some airborne sperm particles somehow get lodged in there? Shouldn’t she be shaving off her hair and attacking inanimate objects in full view of the paparazzi?
You’re a disappointment to your family, Jamie Lynn Spears. Just you wait until your sister hears about this. She’ll have to do something doubly berserk to compensate. Hopefully.
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Do you like magic? We sure do – to this day we still can?t work out how someone is able to steal our nose and wave it around in front of us.
How do we breathe when it?s been detached from our face? And how come we can still feel something there? Honestly, we?re always asking questions and never getting answers.
In some ways, this makes us feel a little bit closer to Michael Jackson. We have nose-related issues and so did he. Was it possessed after an African tribe cursed it? Or shall we just blame Dr. Conrad Murray? After all, everyone seems to be baying for his blood. Our landlord even believed us when we said our rent was late because of him. Instead of lying down and taking the world’s crap, Dr. Conrad Murray plans to fight back – by getting Michael Jackson to say what a lovely man he is.
When a healthy 50-year-old man drops down dead, it does seem a little strange. After all, a stingray never went through him like Steve Irwin and he never wanked himself to death like Michael Hutchence. At least Elvis had a comedy death with a burger in one hand and his backside parked firmly on the throne.
Michael Jackson’s death was put down to drugs. But not the sort you see common scum inject in to their arm and snort up their nose. Oh no, because Michael was a fairly popular singer, he got industrial strength painkillers and all sorts of weird-sounding tablets. The kind that would knock out a herd of giraffes.
Now, stupidly powerful drugs can?t be picked up at a local chemist. Therefore you need a trusting doctor who can assess a patient beforehand. Step forward Dr. Conrad Murray.
Michael Jackson’s death is being firmly blamed on Dr. Conrad Murray. He?s been made public enemy number one, with members of the Jackson family holding him responsible and Michael’s death certificate ruling his death as a homicide. So how is he going to defend himself? Simple, he?s going to show us footage of Michael Jackson off his tits on drugs. The News Of The World reports:
?Lawyers for Doctor Conrad Murray want to use old video footage of spaced-out Jacko to demonstrate the depth of his drug habit. Personal physician Murray is set to stand trial on an involuntary manslaughter charge for delivering a fatal drug cocktail overdose to the megastar in June last year. His legal team hope Jackson’s appearance from beyond the grave – which sounds like something straight out of his famous zombie video Thriller – will show Murray can’t be guilty.?
And what would be the point in this? After all, we all know that Michael Jackson wasn?t the sanest individual. Martin Bashir?s documentary showed us his true wacko side, the multiple child molestation accusations never helped and he had a bloody monkey as a pet. NOTW reports further:
?Instead, they will suggest that the King of Pop knew how to self-administer and battled pill addiction for over 17 years.?
Planned footage to be screened is a weak-looking Michael Jackson during the rehearsals of the This Is It tour which would have been held if he hadn?t have died. Hold on a second! Didn?t the Jackson camp release a film showing the exact opposite? They wanted us to believe he could walk without limbs falling off.
Bah, our head is done in. We?ll concentrate on solving that magic trick involving our nose.
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Did you see the Super Bowl yesterday? Oh boy, that sure was some game – the way that one team beat another team?
Amazing. And the Super Bowl half-time show, where half of The Who sang some songs in a fairly nondescript manner? Wowsers, talk about entertainment. And then there were the Super Bowl adverts, like the one for Dockers where nobody wore trousers, and the one where Toyota hilariously apologised for recalling five million cars because they were potentially lethal. Classic Super Bowl.
But the biggest Super Bowl moment probably came with the 15-second commercial for David Letterman’s show. Why? Because it reunited Letterman with his arch-enemy Jay Leno, which is a big deal if you like that kind of thing.
For the most part, yesterday’s Super Bowl was a crushing disappointment. Usually the big news of the day comes from the half-time show, but that wasn’t the case this year. The protests against The Who’s appearance didn’t turn into a full-scale riot, Pete Townshend didn’t make his guitar look like a willy like Prince did a few years ago and Roger Daltrey didn’t even pop one of his nipples out. It was very disappointing.
And the Super Bowl itself wasn’t much better, on the basis that American football is a sport that people only pretend to like. So that just leaves the commercials. And, luckily, David Letterman had something quite special in store for us. Look…
Look! It’s David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey, who David Letterman was once engaged in a long feud with. And there’s Jay Leno, who David Letterman has been engaged in a feud with for almost 20 years. Together! On a sofa! For 15 seconds! Together!
The advert was a masterstroke for all kinds of reasons, especially because the recent palaver over Conan O’Brien and The Tonight Show gave Leno and Letterman a new excuse to snipe at each other with unbridled ferocity on their shows. And now it would seem that all the bad blood’s in the past.
The three stars come out of the commercial looking better than ever, too. David Letterman looks like a good sport for arranging it, Jay Leno gets to take another step towards public redemption and Oprah Winfrey looks like a comedy genius just by sitting next to Jay Leno – who is, after all, about as funny as herpes.
And the repercussions of the commercial should be great, too. If it works, all three will see a direct ratings boost as a result. And if it doesn’t work, the worst-case scenario is that the world gets a much-needed reminder of what wonderful actors they all are. People forget that Oprah Winfrey was once nominated for an Oscar, or that Jay Leno was once in a buddy action movie with Mr Miyagi, or that David Letterman was once in one episode of Mork And Mindy 31 years ago. The offers should come flooding in now.
But the David Letterman commercial wasn’t the only good thing about yesterday’s Super Bowl. There was also… oh, who are we kidding? Yes it was.
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Lost season premieres are a mix of feverish anticipation and universal befuddlement.
Now, penetrating the heart of the island, we?re going to deconstruct the latest double episode, LA X, with the microscopic precision of the best forum-dwelling underling you can find.
To recap: The last season ended on typically unusual grounds – with some of the survivors underground and others inside an ancient Egyptian toe. Still, with Ben getting the grumps with the god-like Jacob, Locke turning out to be an evil doppelganger and Juliet detonating a nuclear bomb, it sent the whole premise in a giant tailspin.
So, keeping a sharp mind, we point out the bits you should have been paying attention to in Friday night’s new episode:
In traditional Lost rug-pulling fashion, we start off back on Oceanic 815, with the bomb detonation resulting in a reset – except things are slightly different. Jack is back on the plane, with a look suggesting he either remembers something about the Island or the person sitting next to him has just guffed. Probably the former, given the mysterious cut on his neck (a pre-bomb battle scar?) and his surroundings.
Differences from the original plane to note: Bernard managing to take a crap in the toilet without falling out the back of the plane, Hobbit Charlie choking on his drugs, Season one?s Boone minus his sister Shannon, the air hostess deciding not to give Jack as much booze as in the original and Hurley being uncursed by the numbers.
Most importantly, Scotsman Desmond was on the plane, instead of sitting in a room pushing buttons every 108 minutes in a life far too depressingly similar to ours. Jack seems to recognise him as well, which, is probably significant.
After we?ve seen Bizzaro Oceanic Flight 815, the show cuts to a circa ?95 Windows screensaver, plunging the viewer underwater to reveal the Island’s more aquatic location in this alt-verse.
In another interesting turn of events, it appears we are back on the island, with Jack and co also being flung forward to present time (well, 2007), now creating two timelines. Clearly the nuclear device was the most non-effective of all time, as everybody seems to have survived the blast.
In 2007 we are also back with the now evil Locke (Cocke, as the kids are sure to call him) acting all self-important after convincing Ben to do away with his nemesis Jacob. Not an episode for peripheral supporting players, he soon rains down pain by turning into the smoke monster and killing three people. When he turns back into Cocke, he apologises to Ben for seeing him like that, sounding like a guilty teenager after his mum has absently caught him masturbating. He also mentioned being a bit homesick as well, bless him.
As the episode decides to spiral more into lunacy, Hurley takes the gang on a mission to save Sayid at dead Jacob?s behest (he can see dead people). They visit The Temple, the seemingly tribal grounds of The Others (did you spot ex-air hostess Cindy?) and playing home to John Lennon and that bloke from Sunshine. Here, they dunk Sayid underwater to boil for twenty minutes or so until tender, leaving him to cool down for a further ten until resurrected from the dead, serving us a satisfying climax to the episode.
Lost Season six launches by copying Sliding Doors ? having two different timelines running parallel ? but instead of having to watch John Hannah we get an actual charismatic Scotsman. Time travel, dead people, smoke monsters, underwater islands and John Lennon; Lost is either the most brilliantly audacious and absurd show on television or a complete load of mythological turd. We dunno which either, but we?ll be back for more.
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This week?s good and bad for oh-so-fun February.
Folded:
Creased:
Every now and then, something comes along that is so epic and brilliant that it makes us question everything we?ve ever listened to.
With Harry And The Potters, we?re sticking our necks out to say that they are one of the most ace bands we?ve come across in a long time. We were a bit sceptical when we heard their band name, but please don?t let this put you off.
In theory, all bands should steal their names from books if they couldn?t be bothered to get creative. But with Harry And The Potters, the name is a very important aspect to them. You see, all of their songs revolve around little wizard boy Harry Potter. All of their songs are based on the adventures of the character and everything connected to him. Despite our slight dislike of Harry Potter, we have to admire them.
Now we?d call it geek rock at its finest, but the sound created by the two brothers even has it’s own proper name. From what we gather, it?s been dubbed Wizard Rock and could easily be the wacky idea that The Flaming Lips came up with. But we have to let the band explain the project themselves:
?Imagine if Harry Potter quit the quidditch team and started a punk rock band. Take that one step further and imagine that he stole a time-turner and decided to start that band with himself from a different point in time. Imagine that band could exist without compromising themselves. Imagine that they are able to operate completely independently, without managers, booking agents, recording budgets, publicists, record labels, or anything aside from a sense of enthusiasm and a desire to have fun.?
We don?t understand it, but we seem to enjoy it.
For more:
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Hey man, don?t sit around feeling all sorry for Madonna because she hasn?t got a boyfriend. That would be a massive waste of time.
Instead, peruse the list of potential suitors below, and decide which one you would consider a worthy follow-up to that pouting Jesus character who recently made a run for it.
Madonna, take your pick.
You?re welcome.
Danny Dyer
If we?ve picked up any clues from Madonna?s marriages, it?s that she likes her men to be slightly violent (Sean Penn), and a little bit cockney (Guy Ritchie). Of course, at this point most people would claim that Guy Ritchie just pretends to be an East End barrow boy, whilst he?s actually a pipe smoking posho. But we shan?t be doing that. Instead, might we suggest that Madonna gives Danny Dyer a go? He actually is a filthy cockney bugger, and something about the way he appears affected by all manner of physical jerks and random facial ticks suggests that were you to surprise him with a sneeze, his impulsive reaction would be to punch you in the throat. Madonna would definitely be drawn to that kind of danger.
Britney Spears
These two have unfinished business. Remember the kiss they did that time? The one where Justin Timberlake sat in the audience with steam coming out of his ears, and the planet actually jolted slightly off orbit because the whole of China hid an erection in unison? Yeah, that was some hot stuff right there. With both girls in the midst of what?s known in the trade as ?having a bit of a moment?, it might be time to get naked ? all except for their matching red Kabbalah bracelets ? and do whatever it is that women in love do when there?s no man involved in the mix. Probably just touch tongues and compare nails, we suspect.
Willem Defoe
No matter how good the actors are, you can?t fake on-screen chemistry. You?ve either got it, or you don?t? got it. And, sweet baby Moses, Madonna and Willem Defoe had so much chemistry in Body of Evidence that they could probably have manufactured some kind of sulphuric explosion just by glancing at one another. Him with the gargoyle-face, her biting his nips, and smearing bubbling handfuls of wax into his underpants ? it was steamy. Had that coffee shop lady from When Harry Met Sally been in the bedroom while they were doing it, she?d have asked the waiter for what Madonna was having, not Meg Ryan. That?s how sexy it was. Really really sexy.
Eminem
Back in the 1990s, Madonna famously opted to craft a coffee table book of nude shots, accompanied by hand written pornographic details about exactly how she likes her love making to pan out. One such photograph featured the hardcore street rapper Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) cupping one of her bosoms, and saying something presumed to be rather revolting in her ear. Unfortunately, Vanilla probably lacks the necessary profile to pick up where the pair left off, so perhaps she might settle for a modern day re-enactment with his rightful heir, Eminem? Alternatively, she could wile away the evenings reliving the shot where she pops on a nipple-less outfit and attempts to remove hot toffee from her finger without using her hands? Her choice.
Nick Jonas
Of course, Madonna could just continue the trend of stepping out with increasingly younger men, following 23-year-old Jesus with one of the Jonas Sisters ? of whom we?d recommend 17-year-old Nick. He?s a good God-fearing young man, that one, and exactly the kind of quivering virgin needed to add an extra coil to the spring in Madonna?s step. Once his nervous shrieking and relentless praying for forgiveness becomes too much, she can move effortlessly on, safe in the knowledge that at least one teenager will never again be able to hear the opening to Like a Virgin without immediately stress puking and falling into a temporary standing coma until it ends. Job done.
This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.
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The Super Bowl has seen some controversial moments in the past. Janet Jackson’s boob. Bruce Springstreen’s groin.
Paula Abdul. That sort of thing. But this Sunday, all of that looks set to be blown out of the water when Pete Townshend from The Who will – get ready for this – play some of his most famous songs in front of several thousand adoring fans. The bastard. Let’s burn him!
Alternatively it’ll be when Pete Townshend plays some of his songs and members of Florida child advocacy group Protect Our Children stand outside with some placards moaning about that time that Pete Townsend was arrested and cleared in a child pornography sting. Still, it’s still better than Jackson’s tit again, we suppose.
The Super Bowl doesn’t thrive on controversy, but it should. Without any fuddy-duddies getting their knickers in a twist over things that aren’t really that important, the Super Bowl is just a slightly tedious display of a sport that nobody fully understands interspersed with wildly expensive adverts for beer and a four-song set by Tom Petty. It’s so controversy-averse that it once even censored the Rolling Stones, even though the scariest thing about them is they way that they now resemble a collection of haunted ballsacks.
But that’s all going to change this year. This year’s Super Bowl is going to be the most controversial ever! It’s already controversial because a gay dating website wasn’t allowed to buy advertising space for it, even though an anti-abortion group was. But that’s nothing because, during the Super Bowl half time show on Sunday, a man who was cleared by police of downloading illegal images of child pornography will play some of his songs. Pete Townshend, you’re a monster.
Don’t these Super Bowl people know what they’re dealing with here? Pete Townshend is a man who once had his computer seized by police officers so they could spend four months forensically determining that he’d never downloaded a single picture of child pornography! Behind Blue Eyes? Behind Boys’ Pants, more like! Pete Townshend must be stopped!
At least that’s what a number of a Florida-based family groups are saying. Not having grasped the ‘cleared’ part of the Pete Townshend child pornography story, they’re planning to protest his appearance outside the Miami Sun Life stadium on Sunday. After all, nobody takes flimsy accusations of paedophilia more seriously than tubby, slightly drunk sports fans. NBC Miami reports:
Come Sunday, Townshend and groups like Protect Our Children will be on opposing sides. Townshend will be on stage inside Sun Life Stadium at the halftime show of Super Bowl XLIV and protesters will be outside denouncing The Who’s performance. A group has already started passing out fliers calling Townshend a threat to Miami’s children.
We’re expecting all of this to culminate in a bloody clash between Pete Townshend and the protesters on Sunday. Or, failing that, a bloodless clash. Or, failing that, we’re expecting the protesters to sort of wave their placards around for a bit, get ignored and then go home before Pete Townshend gets to play that song from the TV show about the ginger policeman in a workmanlike fashion for the billionth time. Watch this space.
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The Grammys, then. Beyonce won the most awards, and Michael Jackson got Celine Dion to caterwaul in front of a 3D dandelion.
But the Grammys belonged to Taylor Swift. In total Taylor won awards for Album Of The Year, Best Country Album, Best Country Female and Best Country Song, and Kanye West wasn’t around to babble like a giant twit through any of her acceptance speeches. The Grammys were Taylor Swift’s moment to shine – at least, right up until the moment she started to sing, at which point they became Taylor Swift’s moment to make a bizarre noise like a burning donkey sanctuary.
And that’s apparently big news. So big, in fact, that her label manager has stepped up to tell everyone to jolly well stop being so mean about her. Fun.
The Grammys has many things to be proud of. It can be proud of the fact that it’s currently the music awards show that goes on for the longest amount of time – Sunday’s ceremony clocked in at an impressive three full days – and it can be proud of the fact that it’s the only awards show where everybody wins something, regardless of whether they want to or not.
But there’s one thing that the Grammys, in all good conscience, can’t be proud of. The duets. Every year it’s the same – for some reason the Grammy organisers decide to pair up the most horrifically mismatched artists possible, usually involving Steven Tyler and Joss Stone, and force them to sing a song that neither of them are suited to. It’s awful. And this year the winners of the Most Cack-Handed Grammys Duet were Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks.
Unfortunately, copyright restrictions mean that we can’t show you the video of Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks singing Rihannon together, so here’s the next best thing. Imagine that Rihannon is playing on the radio. Now imagine that your nan, after sustaining a heavy blow to the side of her head, is attempting to sing along to it. Now imagine that she’s doing this even though she’s never heard Rihannon before in her life. Now imagine that she’s also being attacked by a pack of feral dogs. Now imagine that she’s also on fire. That’s roughly what Taylor Swift sounded like at the Grammys.
But just because her performance sounded like a set of nails grinding down a blackboard in an echo tunnel filled with distressed babies, it doesn’t mean that you can be rude about Taylor Swift. It doesn’t. The boss of her record label, Scott Borchetta, said so and everything. The Tennessean quotes:
“Maybe she’s not the best technical singer, but she’s probably the best emotional singer. Everybody is not perfect on any given day. Maybe in that moment we didn’t have the best night. But in the same breath, maybe we did. This is what always happens. Well, you better have more than what you’ve got now if you think you’re going to get in the ring and fight with us. So, get in the ring.”
So, just to sum up Borchetta’s quote:
1 - Taylor Swift was brilliant.
2 - Taylor Swift was also rubbish.
3 - In addition, people who don’t like Taylor Swift might be allowed to physically fight her soon, even though that seems like quite an unethical thing to do.
Thanks Scott. Much clearer now. You’re a star.
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We don’t think we’ve ever played a game like Record Tripping before. Usually that would be code for ‘Record Tripping is a load of hippie nonsense and it’s so crap that we’re going to kill ourselves RIGHT NOW to prove a point’.
But this time it isn’t. Record Tripping is lovely. It’s ostensibly a game about scratching records with your mouse, although once you’ve got the hang of the technique it quickly turns into a game about leading balls through mazes and cracking safes and packing boxes and allowing rabbits onto trains. Honestly, you really should give Record Tripping a whirl. We likes it plenty.
Since her sudden death in December, the question of what killed Brittany Murphy has hung in the air.
So what was it? Some have claimed that the Hollywood machine, that eats starlets up and spits them out without a second thought, was to blame. Others have blamed Brittany’s hedonistic streak, and hinted that her increasingly erratic behaviour could have been a factor.
But the coroner’s report into Brittany Murphy’s death has just been released. Turns out it was a mixture of pneumonia, anaemia, iron deficiency and massive drug intoxication that did her in. So, in a way, everybody sort of had a point. Kind of.
We haven’t really covered much about Brittany Murphy’s death apart from its immediate aftermath, because the death of a young woman isn’t traditionally a rich source of hilarity. Although, despite its relentless misery, Brittany Murphy’s death story has thrown up a couple of odd moments – like when her husband threatened to sue Warner Bros for wrongful death, after claiming that she’d still be alive if the studio had let her be in Happy Feet 2, for example.
Hopefully now, though, all the anger and speculation can come to an end. The Los Angeles coroner’s office has released its findings into Brittany Murphy’s death and, as the LA Times reports, it has ruled her death to be accidental and preventable:
The Los Angeles County coroner announced Thursday that the primary cause was “community-acquired pneumonia, ” with contributing factors of “iron deficiency anemia” and “multiple drug intoxication.”The drugs involved were prescription and over-the-counter medications she took orally. Her death was ruled accidental, he said. “She was anemic and she wasn’t in good health, ” Winter said.
The news is sad, but not entirely unexpected – the last few years of Brittany Murphy’s life were marked by her bizarre behaviour and growing reputation as a difficult character to deal with. However, as sad as it is, at least it can all be put to rest now. Unlike Michael Jackson or Anna Nicole Smith, Brittany Murphy had no children of questionable parentage to leave behind or a vast estate for her family members and associates to publicly squabble over.
And, unlike Heath Ledger, her death won’t be dragged out by a series of high-profile posthumous roles that supposedly show a morbid insight into her state of mind before she died. So maybe her not getting to star in Happy Feet 2 was a good thing after all.
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Quirky wunderkind stand-up and Knocked Up actress Charlyne Yi is usually found around the LA stand-up circuit making all types of people chuckle.
Recently, she?s been taking a break from the mic to write and star in Paper Heart; a hybrid rom/com documentary co-starring Michael Cera.
The film is now heading to DVD for Valentine?s Day and the lovely Charlyne took some time out to talk to us about the film and all things luuuuuvveee…
Hecklerspray: Hi, how are you?
Charlyne Yi: Good, just lying in bed.
HS: I hope we haven?t woke you too early?
CY: It?s not too early for me!
HS: Paper Heart is coming out here on DVD soon – tell us what it is all about.
CY: I?m so bad at this. I never have gotten any better! It?s a half documentary and half fictional film about a character named Charlyne and her journey to make a documentary about love. On her journey she meets a character called Michael Cera who tries to contradict her belief on love – on how she sorta doesn?t believe in it – and tests her against it.
HS: As everyone keeps saying, it?s an unconventional love story. Do you think audiences are looking for more from their romantic comedies, with other notable examples like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 500 Days Of Summer?
CY: I think, strangely, every story has been told. It does fit into the conventions of boy wants girl or girl wants guy, but I think it is definitely how you shoot it. I?m not sure if our movie is that crazy, I think it is just the medium we chose to tell the story. Hopefully it?s not too strange. I?m not sure if folks are looking for something new but I don?t think it is that out of the ordinary in the way the story is told.
HS: What were your influences for the film? Were you a big romantic film fan or was it born out of your own cynical opinion of love?
CY: I do like a lot of romantic films, a lot of cheesy ones. I wasn?t meant to be seen as cynical or jaded. As far as the character; she is just questioning the idea of love and deep down she says she doesn?t believe in love, but that is a bit of an exaggeration on my personal feelings which was the inspiration for making the movie originally.
It was going to be a doc and it was just me questioning the idea of, like, how do you know when you?re in love, how could you ever be sure? Feelings are so complicated, you can like somebody one day and the next be like – do I really like them? Or you can be with someone for 50 years and your questioning, like, if you?re gonna to get a divorce and that is such a scary thing to question if you?ve been with someone for decades. And if it didn?t work out after the 50 years and you were just divorced, does that mean that that was never love because it never worked out or does it mean that was love then and now it is over? So that was kinda the inspiration, to try to understand love, which, I don?t think anyone can ever understand, and I knew that going into it.
I think the point of it was, at the time, I had a lot of strangers opening up to me, telling me these amazing stories.
HS: So did you find it difficult to get the people in the film to open up to you?
CY: Well, some of the people there were from postings in newspapers and the casting director went from town to town and just asked ?Hey, do you know any couples who have been together for 50 years or anyone with great love stories??. So some people were asked in that form and some people were really spontaneous like the bikers. Strangely, people were just so excited to share these stories, I think they were so proud of their love stories and, like, ?I?ll tell you a thing about love ? I can teach you!? I think people were really open to it. We weren?t like mocking them, we just wanted something genuine.
HS: The film mainly focuses on the relationship between yourself and Michael Cera ? who found it the most difficult to play themselves?
CY: Michael, it?s funny, I actually think he liked playing a character of himself. I think he enjoyed the idea of messing with reality and how he is perceived, as I think I do with my live performances. But I don?t think it was difficult to play a character of myself. I think it was difficult period to learn how to act. A lot of the time Nick (the director) mentioned that I have the characteristics of a cartoon, saying I had broad gestures in real life. Like extremely broad! So he had to tone me down to a human being so I could be perceived as realistic. It was kinda cool learning how to mute how I would originally react.
HS: Turn the volume down on your personality.
CY: (Laughs) Yeah.
HS: Did you worry at all about how you would be perceived by the audience? Some people will think this is you throughout it and, y?know, if you turned around and said ?I don?t like Star Wars? people may turn around and say ?I don?t like her, she doesn?t like Star Wars?!
CY: (Laughs) That?s a funny thing not to like someone about! I think we knew going in that some people will not read the credits. I don?t think we?ve been that secretive about the reality parts and the fictional parts of the film but I don?t think we have a problem with the way we are perceived. I think we kinda enjoyed that part of the element.
HS: Do you like Star Wars?
CY: Errrm, I haven?t actually seen it!
HS: How can you not have seen it?
CY: I don?t know, I?ve only seen like 15 movies in my entire life!
HS: And you starred in one of those!
CY: Yeah, I had to watch Paper Heart while we were editing. A lot!
HS: You are also a comedian and musician as well – have you been over to the UK at all?
CY: No I haven?t. I?ve just started to perform out of the state, just recently, so I?m just kinda getting my foot in the door clubbing somewhere else that?s not in LA. I?d love to at some point, when I get better.
HS: Well you?re always described in reviews as quirky, would you prefer being known as anything else?
CY: It?s funny, I almost feel like quirky is negative now. I?m not really sure what it means either. I think maybe it means different. I?m not sure, I?ll take it, whatever!
HS: Well the film is coming to DVD, do you think it?ll make for a nice romantic film for Valentine?s Day?
CY: I don?t really want to be presumptuous and say yes in case they hate it. I think that everyone has their own taste and definitely some people love the movie and some people thought it was OK and some people hated it. That is the reality of all movies, so I don?t wanna be arrogant that it?s gonna make the best movie for everyone.
HS: It?ll probably make a better Valentine movie than Schindler?s List, though?
CY: (Laughs) Definitely! That?s a good point.
HS: You can put that on the DVD box.
CY: That?ll make a great marketing slogan. Maybe I?ll make a fake commercial for it.
HS: Have you had any bad Valentine dates yourself?
CY: No, I think strangely? no I haven?t. I guess that?s not strange.
HS: Finally, to wrap things up ? what does love mean to you now you?ve made the film?
CY: I?m not sure, I think it is different with every experience and is very unique to the individual. I know this is very vague but it is hard to define how you feel and to distinguish whether you are in love or not. (Pause) I don?t know. I often go; oh man I?d love to have an ice cream! I think we love a lot of things and it?s just in a different way.
Look out for the quirky Charlyne in Paper Heart ? on DVD 8th February ? from Anchor Bay Films.
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